Really? Like seriously really? It's just a dumb bug in my damn phone that other phones/platforms get right as a matter of course?

Hmm... I know that Android M(arshmallow) has a bunch of new sophistication in this area, primarily dealing with switching from cellular to WiFi networks and avoiding "poor connections". Maybe the handoff that I want will be baked into newer Android builds and I don't need to buy new hardware at all. Hmm.

EDIT: Huzzah! Need to try this! https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.heleron.wifiroamingfix